ode to my savior
11.07.1998

infinitely glad
you remembered to tell me
by the by
after some delightful chatting

 
  !!! THAT YOU FUCKED IT UP

dropping off
a few mumbled prearranged sentences
you left me
crouched in that phone box
distant beeping
from the receiver
overcome in amazement

incredibly smooooooothly
your words
went dripping
into my heart
meaning no harm

surely

while they stop lingering
at the entrance
waiting for their meaning
to follow
then
joyfully exploding
within
leaving a wasteland of minefields
a deadly passage of broken memories

YOU ARE SO KIND
 
tactfully
informing me
about my defeat in a battle
I never got a chance to fight
so obliged
it was your fault
(MY pain)
your struggle
(MY grief)
your decision
(MY despair)

eagerly
flinging your leaden confession
at me
expecting absolution
from me       
raging tears and insults
to wash away the guilt of your sins
and make you chaste and holy
again
owing you so much
for that decision
being made for me
reducing me
to a lorn atom of uselessness
in a sea of improbable options

clearly

not up to ME
to criticize
your careless disguise
pretending to spare me
knowing what is best for me

YOU ARE divine
 
so how
could I ever make up for it? 
I hope indeed you are satisfied
having buried me
alive

from the glorious cold of
the magnificent darkness and
from the amiable loneliness
of my splendid grave
my heart goes out
to you
I just wish
it’d never find
it’s wayback